Task 2 IELTS Writing Sample:
Youth Crime - Reasons and Solutions
by Toshpulatov Lenur
(Termiz, Surkhandarya, Uzbekistan)
Levels of youth crime are increasing rapidly in most cities around the world.
What are the reasons for this, and suggest some solutions.
There is no doubt that, almost every good and bad field has developed significantly over the past few decades and it is too visiable in behaviour and actions of young people. As many people have mentioned that, in many cities around the globe rates of crime by teenagers are increasing unexpectedly. The goverment as well as parents are trying to find solution for this international problem. Many people believe that, wisely chosen punishment is the best way to control the number of crimes in society. While, some of them believe that, it is not the only way to reduce the level of crime. They think that, there must be another way.
First of all, no one can deny that, according to the recent figures, there is an increase in violent, robber and even murder crimes among young people. As many scientists have claimed that,the main reason for this is that, nowadays, youth are growing with lack of pay attention by their parents but also teachers. Moreover, children are not getting social and emotional knowledge at their schools.
Second of all, action movies with murder, robber are being popular amongst youth. It is clearly seen that, these sort of movies lead to an increase crime among teenagers as they try to copy what they have seen in the movies. Futhermore, films have an important influence on young people who are influenced both by what they watch and hear.
Third of all, nowadays, no one does amaze, when read on newspapers and watch on the television about in most societies over the planet the number of crime is rising unexpectedly. In fact that, youth are breaking laws especially rights of people with way of violence.
From my point of view, the best way to control as well as reduce the number of crime is replace severe punishments than panleties are such as, financial and and even being in prison. Moreover, lack of social and emotional knowledge is one of the main factor to increase crime among youth due to the government should more pay attention to both education and law systems.
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Grammar Corrected Version:
There is no doubt that almost every good and bad field has developed significantly over the past few decades (I don’t understand what you have just said here) and it is visible in the behaviour and actions of young people. Many people have mentioned that in many cities around the globe rates of crime by teenagers are increasing unexpectedly. The government as well as parents are trying to find solutions for this international problem. Many people believe that wisely chosen punishment is the best way to control the number of crimes in society, while some believe that this is not the only way to reduce the level of crime. They think that, there must be another way.
(Your introduction is too long)
First of all, no one can deny that according to recent
figures there has been an increase in violence, theft and even murders among young people. Many scientists have claimed the main reason for this is that nowadays, youth are growing without paying attention to their parents and also teachers. Moreover, children are not getting social and emotional knowledge at their schools.
Secondly, action movies with murders and robberies are popular amongst youth. It can be clearly seen that these sorts of movies lead to an increase in crime among teenagers as they try to copy what they have seen in the movies. Furthermore, films have an important influence on young people who are influenced both by what they watch and hear.
Thirdly, nowadays, no one is amazed when reading in newspapers and watching on the television that in most societies over in the world the number of crimes is rising unexpectedly. In fact, the youth are breaking laws, especially regarding the rights of people by using violence. (this paragraph does not answer the question in any way so it should not be here).
From my point of view, the best way to control as well as reduce the number of crimes is to replace weak sentences with severe punishments such as going to prison. Moreover, lack of social and emotional knowledge is one of the main factors to increase crime among youth so the government should more pay attention to both education and law systems.
(Where is the conclusion?)
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FURTHER COMMENTS
On a positive note, you do have some good ideas and content that are answering the question, and at various points you have some good grammar and phrasing.
But at the same time, your grammar control is weak in a lot of places, as is your structure, and you don't write enough about the solutions.
More details are below.
Content / Organization
Firstly, your introduction is much too long. Keep this shorter – see this lesson on writing an introduction:
Writing an IELTS Task 2 IntroductionAlso, you do not appear to have a conclusion?
You also need to have more about the solutions. This essay will probably be seen as not fully answering the question as there is so little on the solutions. You would have been better taking out the forth paragraph and writing about solutions here instead as this paragraph does not answer the question.
Grammar
"They think that, there must be another way" = don’t use a comma after ‘that’. You make this mistake many times.
"recent figures there is an increase in violent" = should be ‘there has been…’. Use present perfect for something that started in the past and is still going on now.
Second of all / Third of all = you can’t say this, only ‘first of all’ is possible.
CoherenceYou have some quite big problems with coherence because you have some sentences that I cannot understand. For example:
"replace severe punishments than panleties are such as, financial and and even being in prison"
I just guessed what you meant when I tried to correct it.
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