You need to read the question very carefully and make sure you answer it. You have not answered the question so this will decrease your score considerably.
The question asks you if you think that people should stay in one job for life or change at least once.
You have simply explained the reasons why someone may change their job. You've given no indication of what your opinion is or the reasons to support that opinion. You should be discussing:
a) The advantages of changing jobs
b) The disadvantages of changing jobs
And of course saying which you think is the best thing to do and why.
Your organisation and coherency is also a bit confusing. It is not really clear exactly what point your are making or where your arguments are going.
I would advise working all the way through the Task 2 writing lessons:
